I stood at the kitchen window this afternoon.
It was open, the best crisp cool breeze carrying giggles into the house.
I really took it in...the laughter of my two oldest boys. I inhaled it and held it in for a bit before exhaling. I'm trying to do this - stop to breathe in my boys - when I see and hear those very precious moments, I am making sure to savor them. They don't always last long. In between the laughter, love, hugs, kisses, singing, dancing, coloring...there is fighting and whining and complaining...oh so much complaining. It is so tiring. (Coffee is a gift from God.)
So, I'm choosing to inhale the good.
I go back and forth constantly between a string of thoughts and words each day:
How can I possibly love anyone more!?
Why do they have to yell?
Omg...I just need a break.
How did I get so lucky to call these three angels my own?
Can't I just pee alone?
I need to savor this; they are getting older every second.
Am I teaching them enough?
Do they know how much I love them?
Ugh...I just need to breathe.
I can't wait until they sleep in.
I can't wait until they can wipe their own toosh.
Why does it have to go so fast?
Stop growing!
What did I do wrong that they wake up so damn early?
These boys are everything to me.
I just can't stop kissing those cheeks.
You crack me up!
Why do you always have to fight?
The daily to do list is endless...make coffee, make breakfast, laundry, drop off both kids at school, dishes and clean kitchen, play with baby, vacuum, clean and pick up house, put baby down for nap, work online job, laundry, pick up Xan, make coffee, make lunch, pick up Xav, put baby down for 2nd nap, tutor, play with kids, push kids on the swings, jump on trampoline with kids, pick up crap around the house, take boys to karate, make kids do their chores, laundry, feed the dog, feed the fish, feed the lizard, make coffee, draw with Xav, color, cook dinner, dishes and clean the kitchen, give kids a bath, put baby down, read to big boys, sing three songs each, work online job...sleeeeeep.
Then there's meal planning and grocery shopping. Some weeks, I'm so good...meals all planned, one shopping trip. Other weeks, I'm at the grocery store every day.
My brain feels like it is so full, like nothing else will fit. Some days, I think, "How did I get it all done today?" And other days, it's "What did I actually accomplish today?"
I lay my head on the pillow at night and pray...
"Did I hug them enough?"
"Did I make them feel loved?"
"Was I patient and kind?"
"Did I yell?"
"Did I overreact?"
"God, help me be better tomorrow."
I know these days are so special and sweet.. I can feel the fleeting-ness.
Savor. Savor and breathe.