I'm sorry, you were right...

My sister and I have always been close...she's six years older than me (even though no one seems to notice that), but that never ever made a difference. When she was twelve and I was six, we played together. When she was seventeen and I was eleven, she let me tag along. We built forts, watched Little House on the Prairie, made up dances to Wham songs, scratched each other's backs, braided our hair, and we laughed and laughed! She so easily could have been annoyed with me, her little sister, but I honestly don't remember a time when she was.  As I got older, we became even better friends. Now that we are both mothers, we are closer than ever before...we seriously say the same thing at the same time in the exact same way at least once a day...JINX! We talk on the phone every morning as we go for our morning walk with our kids. We could talk for hours, hang up, and then call right back to talk some more. We have the same expressions, the same laugh, the same voice, the same history. We are one. 

Until I became a mother, I didn't totally get it...and by it, I mean anything that Chloe was going through, feeling, experiencing, or worrying about. When Chloe would ask me if I thought her son had incephalitis from the mosquito that bit him the other day, I would laugh and say, "Clo...seriously. You know he'll be fine." When she would worry about giving her unborn baby cancer from talking on the phone too much or ask me if there was enough caffeine in decaf coffee to affect the baby, I would always tell her not to worry. It's always easier when you're on the outside looking in, isn't it? We can all try to help each other deal with worries and stress when we aren't the ones worrying or stressing...Why can't we listen to the rational part of our heads when we are the ones worrying? I spent lots of hours listening to Clo, thinking she was worrying too much or stressing about things that she didn't need to. (My sister is a perfectionist and a bit Type A, so she does worry more than the average person.) Just a few examples of questions I would be asked...

• Do you think he's getting enough sleep? He only slept two hours today (naps)...that means he won't get 14 hours total like he should be getting.
• Do you think I'm making enough milk? I'm worried that he's not getting enough. What if he doesn't get the hind milk too?
• Do you think that Decaf coffee has enough caffeine to affect the baby? (to which I answered...it's called decaf for a reason)
• Why isn't he walking yet? Do you think there's something wrong?
• Why isn't he talking yet? Do you think there's something wrong?
• Do you think he'll have brain damage because he keeps bumping his head?
• Am I spending enough time playing with my kids?
• Did they watch too much tv today? (Sesame Street and Baby Einstein)
• Do you think he knows I love him?
• Do you think he loves me?
• Why isn't he sleeping?
• Do you think he's alive? Should I go in? (when he slept longer than normal)
• Do you think his bedroom is dark enough? 
• Should I cut his hair? Will it still have those cute curls if I do? 
• Will they one day move out and not come back to visit? Will they ignore my calls when they see that it's Mom on the caller id? 
• When should I start them in preschool? What if I'm too early or too late?

Then there are the "crazy" things she did...

• blending things outside during naps
• shooshing and patting, shooshing and patting
• butt became tushy, fart became toot, booger became a bad word
• arranging her whole day around the naps...giving very little time to get anything done...go anywhere...etc...
• rocking back and forth, back and forth for hours if it helped
• constantly taking pictures (Really? Another one?)
• making lots and lots of baby food (Her freezer was packed!)
• covering the nursery windows with blackout shades AND black garbage bags to make it completely impossible for ANY light to come in...
• the womb machine...
• putting flax in everything
• listening to the tv at inaudible levels
• never doing the dishes while the babies sleep - too loud!
• very little noise of any kind actually...Must you cough so loudly? :)
• buying expensive organic fruits and veggies
• disinfecting every surface
• worrying, worrying, worrying...

I would always say things like, "Can't you just skip the nap? He'll live, won't he?" or "If he's tired, he'll sleep." or "Don't worry if he didn't sleep today...that just means he'll just sleep better later." or "Try not to worry, Clo...it's just a phase. One day you'll look back on this and laugh." or "I'm going to make noise when my
baby sleeps" or "I think the room is now dark enough, Clo...you don't need to put another layer of garbage bags behind the curtains." Chloe was so sweet and never got upset with me...she just said, "One day, you'll know. One day, you'll see and you'll finally get it."

And then...

I met him...and EVERYTHING changed!

Suddenly, I understood the place where all of these previously irrational worries came from. Everyone can try to explain to you the way you will feel when you become a mother, but until you actually experience this amazing miracle, you just can't know...or understand...or get it. The intense, awesome love that you feel for your children...you have to feel it to know. The crazy massive responsibility you have...you are now responsible for this life. You need to make sure he grows and flourishes. Every decision you make could impact his life forever. No pressure... ;}

 There is nothing like this in the world...


So now, as we walk and talk every morning, I say things that sound oddly familiar to my sister...but instead of saying, "I told you so..." she just laughs and says, "Believe me...this is a stage that he will get over...don't spend any more of your precious moments worrying about this." Outside looking in again - she can see more clearly than me. She's been there. :) I am so lucky as the little sister because I have learned so much from Chloe...mistakes not to make, lessons of life and love, but most of all, I have learned how to be an AMAZING mother.

So, now I can say..."I'm so sorry...you were right!" I get it!  I totally understand!

I am now the one worrying about malaria from mosquitos, permanent damage from watching too much tv, and I'm asking questions like, "Is he gaining enough weight?" or "Should he have more fat rolls like that baby down the street?" I'm the one who hides puffs in his food so he will eat or sneaks spoonfuls in when he is going to drink water. I'm the one up at 3 in the morning pumping just to make sure I don't run out of milk. I'm the one listening to ocean sounds through my monitor all night long....and yes...I have blackout shades. I'm the one protecting his naps and bedtime. I understand that they need sleep to grow, to learn, to be happy, sweet, patient, and loving....and we need them to sleep so we can recharge and be sweet, patient, and loving too. And...sleep begets sleep, the more they get, the more they will get. Sometimes when they are overtired, they won't sleep, even though they are exhausted. So you protect that sleep no matter what!

I get it!  This worrying is all part of it...motherhood makes us a little crazy. It's a crazy, out of control love. The sometimes "crazy" things we do as moms are not crazy at all...

I'm so glad we get to spend these precious years together, reminding each other to enjoy every second we have with these amazing children. We need to teach them how to be the kind of friends we are today. There is nothing like a sister to share your life with!

I love you, Clo! 

Thank you!